Some days i think i am not very good with relationships.
Any relationships really.
Boy-girl.
Man-woman.
Friends.
Family.
Siblings.

Perhaps i cannot emphathize enough. Or perhaps i emphathize too much.
Or the fact that i don't listen very well.
That i don't talk very well either.

Sometimes it is difficult to tell exactly where i stand in relationships.
What am i suppose to do at this exact moment.
What exactly does the other party want from me?
Should i do this? Should i say that?
Do you know what i meant to say? What i meant to do?
Do i confuse you?
Its strange... being in relationships with another conscious being.
So many factors come into play.
Personalities.
Egos.
Beliefs.
Age.
Gender.
Common grounds. Or perhaps uncommon ones too.

The intricacy of relationships both confounds and intrigues me.
I would like to be a good person to be in a relationship with.
Does that make sense?
Do i make you happy?
Any of you that come, came, are coming into my life..

HmMm...

Conscious self	Overall self

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Oh. Incidentally, i have been to a nice wedding dinner, watch sinbad with friends and attended 3 oil painting lessons in the past month. Nothing much to talk about except that it took us 3 lessons before we even begin painting on the 4th. Am a little miffed about that. Teacher is very "china-centric" and quite biased. Sometimes i have to freeze my face just so i don't make funny faces at comments he makes (e.g. everything in china good, western world bad). But i must say that he has good oil painting skills, which is why i am there in the first place.

It is like suddenly my life came back to me when Ruski came back to me.
Strange things... pets i mean.
Makes me realize how much emotion can be involve when taking care of a pet.
Well, the cat better don't put me through that episode again or else i will strangle him alive! *chuckles*

Now that the cat is back, time to put some effort in salvaging a lost birthday... :)

Ruski's Damage Assessment:

1) Mild fever

2) All his nails were terribly chipped and splintered, and one of his "thumb" nail was totally torn out that even the pad was gone. So all that's left is this nub and pink flesh. *ouch*

3) Emotional trauma. Still in a state of shock, he doesn't eat much and was in terrible need for attention and tender loving care. So much so that when i let him sleep with me for the night, he did not leave the bed at all and was constantly waking me up with tiny meows and nudging me to cuddle him by barrowing under my arm.

Think he must have been totally stressed out in the last couple of days. Sigh.

Thanks to everyone that helped these last few days...

you.. for walking with me all over the estate even on your birthday to look for him, doing up the lost cat poster and constantly reassuring me that he will be okie.

angela.. for putting up all the notices around internet websites, emailing catwelfare society, SPCA and AVA and offering to help me search for him during the weekend.

all my friends.. for caring and constantly comforting me while he was gone.

and finally my neighbours Mrs and Miss Bergman, for finding him.

Thank you people! *beams*

CAT FOUND

After a harrowing 3 days, Ruski was finally found early this morning! Woken up this morning at 7 by a phone call from my neighbour living in the lane behind my house saying that she saw a cat fitting Ruski description outside her house. I immediately dashed out (without even brushing my teeth) and found this Caucasian lady and her daughter keeping watch at my cat who was crouching at the ledge across the drain. Initially i couldn't really see him from afar because it was rather dark and was going to rain. He looked really scared and didn't want to move when i called out to him. When i attempted to reach across the drain for him, he got a fright and run into the bushes along the drain. In the end i had to step into the drain to be closer to him and my neighbours tried to block off the corners. He must have felt threatened when the lady tried talking to him and he started hissing at us. It was only when i stretched out my hand slowly to him into the bushes, he stopped hissing for a while and licked my hand. However, he wouldn't budge and when i attempted to grab him from his neck to pull him out, he struggled and yelped. It took a while to untangle him from under the bushes and get him out but by then he was so traumatized, he was making a hell of a noise and i tripped in the drain, and he immediately ran into my neighbour's house.

Luckily he did not go very far and just crouched near the gate. To avoid scaring him again, i had to approach him very slowly. I talked to him for a bit to calm him down because though he did not hiss or make noise, he continued to crouch and looked ready to bolt. It's only after 1 or 2 minutes that he flopped over the way he usually would at home when i talked to him and become more relaxed that i was able to pick him up and carried him home. He was shivering as i carried him and was meowing a lot as we walked pass the main road as he was scared of the noises and rain (started to drizzle by then). He only stopped once i stepped into my house and he must have recognized the staircase to my room as he began purring once i walked up towards it.

It must have been tough on the little rascal while he was outside as he started meowing for food the minute he went into the room and walked around the toilet cupboard where the food is. And the way he eats! He was so hungry and impatient that half the bowl of food landed on the floor than into his mouth. Its only after a while that he calmed down and groom himself at a corner as i got dressed to go to work. While he did not answer me when outside, he did so now when i called his name. But i could see that he is still in shock as he usually like to cuddle and will respond fairly quickly when i asked him to come. Now he was just contented to lay in the corner. However, he enjoyed me patting him and was purring and purring. Finally when i stepped out of my room to go to work, he started yelping again, which i think its because he is probably still insecure or scared. It took a while to calm down again and was eating from his bowl when i sneaked out to go work.

I think he must have been hiding in my neighbour's house for the last few nights as my neighbour kept 4 cats and had left some food around for her cats. Her daughter was very nice and when knew that i lost my cat, has been trying to look out for Ruski in her backyard just in case he came by. Luckily for me that these neighbours are such cat lovers and helped me looked out for him or else i don't think i would ever get Ruski back again. This time round i am going to lock Ruski in for sure and get him a tag for his collar. I don't think i can take it if it happens again. Couldn't sleep well for the past few days because i was so worried. Now i can at last breathe a sigh of relief.

The cat has been gone for 3 days now and life has not been quite the same. I don't know how many times when i walked up the stairs to my room, expecting to hear him meow from behind door greeting me, only to find the door ajar and room quiet. I have forgotten how lonely cat-less nights are.

No funny "midnight madness" where he would just dash from one corner to another like the devil's on his tail suddenly. No furry bundle of claws and teeth nesting up my neck. No beseeching looks outside the toilet cupboard. No heavy, hot weight lying on my lap as i sit at the computer. No one to play esso tiger with. No shredded fur dusting my bed covers, dresser, toilet sink. No hide and seek in my worerobe. No chasing him round the room when he misbehaves. No waking up to "alarm" calls from the toilet. No contented little sighs as he curled up on the pillow next to me. No pouncing on insects such as bugs and tiny cockroaches. No hiding under the duvet whenever i tuck myself in. No stretching on the floor. No scratching on my drawer. No biting. No nibbles.

No longer having to think about putting the toilet seat cover down. (He dropped in once you see...). No longer having to keep the shower stall doors closed (it may get his paws wet and wet paws plus litter box equal messy floors). No longer having to keep the tap dripping when i'm brushing my teeth (since he hate drinking from the bowl, probably because water becomes stale). No longer having to tie up my curtains (or else he would play with it and leave behind holes). No longer having to put my clips, rubber bands and rings into their boxes (since he tends to play and bite them, inevitably they will end up under my bed).

So many things i don't have to do now. Yet i still do. Habits i have cultivated since the cat came into my life. Rules i made other people follow when they stepped into my room. At times, it is unnerving to be in my room alone and suddenly thought i heard his bell ringing, like the way it would as he jumped from the sink to the ground. I would look out the window, peering into the darkness hoping to see some cat wandering outside on the road.

I have been cycling around my estate the last 2 days after midnight, hoping to catch a glimpse of him. Perhaps he is under some drain or car and would come out at night to look for food. I met many cats but none with a green collar and a silver bell. None with a sagging tummy and fluffy fur on the belly. None obese and fat that will need a diet.

Giving out flyers to my neighbours. Defacing public properties by putting up illegal lost posters at bus stops. Hounding AVA and SPCA. Putting up notice on internet websites. Being suspicious of my neighbours. Hypersensitive to every cat cries in the neighbourhood.

I don't deal very well with loss i think.

Entertaining myself looking at Ruski's old photos...
ARGH!!!! Where are you? You stupid cat!

Attending a StoryTelling course at Siglap CC with a friend. Very interesting and would have been more enjoyable if i was not worrying too much about my cat.

October 5th.

Happy 27th birthday to you.

I'm sorry that your birthday was spent helping me to look for Ruski.
I was supposed to cook you dinner but you bought me chicken rice instead when you found out Ruski got lost and i would be too dejected to eat.
You walked with me shouting his name and told me not to worry and that someone must have taken care of him because you know i would be worried if he was caught in the rain and hungry.

Thank you.
Sorry for making a muck of your birthday.

October 4th.

Ruski took a leap of faith and landed in my neighbour's house and run out while they tried to catch him. And he has been missing ever since. No effort was spare trying to locate him but still, no clue to where he may be. I am worried sick and please, if anyone see a brown stripped tabby cat around East coast road area, leave a note or email or call me.

Lost... Please Find Me

Cat-less Days

Cat-less days are spent...

not waiting for a ritual greeting at the door when i returned home
not looking forward for a furry bundle to lay on my chest when i lie down
not listening to his "complains" when i clip his nails or give him a bath
not scolding him fat when he looks at the toilet cupboard waiting for more food
not playing fetch with his favourite esso tiger
not threatening him with a loud "hmm" whenever he sharpened his claws on my couch
not patting his head and avoiding his tummy as he lay on my dressing table
not shutting him in the toilet for the night and letting him out in the morning
not surprising him as he slept in the toilet sink during the hot sunday afternoons
not doing anything much but waiting for him to come home...

but spent...

walking around looking at every drains and alley calling out his name
scouring around the estate knocking on every neighbours' door
visiting and revisiting every alleys and drains just to make sure
cycling hours at night peering under cars and trunks and garbage cans
printing "lost" posters and delivering them to different mailboxes
just looking through the internet and checking for phone messages
just wondering who could be taking care of him now
just waiting at the door
just waiting for him to come home.

And you better come home soon, you stupid cat.
I miss you.

Is there some kinda silly virus that makes your computer dial up to internet every few minutes once you start up the computer? My computer started doing that recently and it is vexing trying to figure out if it is a virus or something wrong with my settings.

Not released! I meant REALISED!

Oh man. I should really type slower and think faster.
Incidentally, the game i am playing on yahoo called typer shark (silly typing game) indicates that my typing speed is 74wpm.

Ya right.
If only i can think at that speed too.

Passed by Lasalle on the bus yesterday and released i got my spelling wrong again. It is LasAlle not La-selle. Anyway too lazy to freaking change the mistakes in the previous post.

I am signing up for another round of oil painting classes. Only this time it is at NAFA instead of La-selle. Was planning to sign up for the intermediate oil painting class this semester (gosh, i talk like a teacher/student) at La-selle but the class was cancelled due to not having enough participants. I was quite disappointed actually. Anyway, his friend (another teacher who was attending the metal casting classes with him last semester) wanted to try oil painting as well and told us about the course at NAFA and gave me the email for the adminstrator there. At first, the guy sent me info about the basic oil painting course which i have already completed at La-selle. So when i asked him for something more indepth, he recommended this other class that they have called "Techniques in oil painting landscapes". The only thing is, the class will be conducted in Mandarin. The course outline itself is quite interesting as they will be going through how to do landscape painting outside (not sure will be going out or not) and talk about specific techniques. Exactly what i am looking for because i want to refine and practise my basic skills in oil painting, except i wasn't very prepared about doing it in Mandarin. Actually, it doesn't really matter since my grasp of Mandarin isn't that bad. Well, actually, i shouldn't have problem with it at all. But i guess i have never attended a class conducted in Mandarin before (well, except second-language classes in school) and the notion actually is quite intriging. Hopefully i won't make a fool of myself especially i suspect most participants would be quite "powerful" in Mandarin. *chuckles*

Realization no. 54:

I hate having to go back to my posts and edit them for grammatical or spelling mistakes.

Maybe i should talk about something i know nuts about.

Last saturday, i accompanied him to a workshop/forum/talk (i really can't decide which it is) at PKW where he was one of the panelists speaking in the morning. The topic for the day (there were 3 sessions in all) was Art and Technology (or something like that). Some interesting points were brought up, for example, how there is a evolution of technology within art history itself from the most primitive (e.g. stoneage man curving on his roof with a rock) to the cyberart of today (e.g. computer animations), going in tandem with mankind's evolution. I guess i have never thought of painting as a form of "technology" and the typical layman view would be (at least for me): painting evokes a sense of tradition or historical or even old, while technology usually mean new, digital, electronic etc. Simplistic view of course and i'm glad that this forum has made me think alittle harder on this subject.

[I think i can articulate better talking or discussing such issues with people than typing it out. Somehow, words is not flowing as much. Perhaps because this is not really something i know much about. Ok, to get back to the real topic i am writing about today...]

Something that struck me that day was that it is always inevitable when you put a group of artists in the same room talking about whatever issues there are about art, one thing will always come up, or perhaps one question: that is, what is art? Seems like this is the perpetual question waiting to be solved and perhaps if an answer could be found, the world would be saved. More the 3/4 of the time were spent debating this issue. What is art? What is creativity? Everyone has their view. Some felt strongly about it or are more articulate (perhaps voice was also louder) while others (like myself) were contented to just listen and observe. A few times, i was on a verge of commenting (its an open floor discussion) on some points or the other but the artists just moved way too fast for me. I wonder if it was only me. I felt that the thoughts of those people around me seems to flow very fluidly from one question to another. And before i even knew what was the point being made or make my comments, some other points were brought up or issue raised while my brain was still processing what had just been said. It is actually quite stimulating, keeping the brain on its toes but after a while, you either get frustrated at the pace or what was said or just have a splitting headache.

Anyway, i can't remember much about what I wanted to say except it was something about communication. I think someone mentioned that the art itself is communicative but i didn't really agree because in my line of work, communication always means two-way (i.e. a "linkage" between 1 & 1, you cant communicate with a rock though you can talk to it. Though of course, communication do not mean just speech or verbalizations). Yes, the artist can communicate to the audience with his art and the audience can respond back. But the art piece itself is still basically an object. Without the artist, the audience can only speculate what was being "communicated", and that to me isn't communication since who would the audience communicate to in reciprocal?. Perhaps i am not understanding the point the speaker is making but these thoughts did cross my mind in that juncture, only to be lost quite rapidly as someone else suddenly talked about language and teaching. Well, at least i get to articulate it out on my blog here.

The time to digest or process such issues is usually done after the forum, with him or some of his other friends. To voice out to another person, wait for feedback, digest the information and respond. Perhaps an open floor "discussion" doesn't quite work for me. I find it difficult to "discuss" anything effectively in a big setting. Group of 4-5, yes. Group of 10-20? Not really. To me, anything greater than that didn't mean discussion, it just meant that someone get to voice out their views (if they have a chance) and for others to listen.

Well, it was an interesting forum nonetheless.